"Forgiveness"

Ok, anybody that knows me know that I graduated with a major in Behavior Analysis and I work in a field that deals with people and their daily problems. It makes me learn a lot about myself when I have to talk to others about their own problems. Right now, I'm on the subject of "Forgiveness" and it's very interesting so I thought I'd share.... Some of this comes from "The Anger Management Sourcebook" but I'll tell you how I interpreted it.... *** the things that I put quotation marks around are straight out the book.***

To forgive means that we choose to release resentment, hatred, bitterness and desires for revenge for wrongs done to us. It's basically the only way to come to peace with the past. Your peace should be worth more than holding grudges.

Forgiving is a personal choice and when we choose to forgive, it should not be based on whether the offender deserves it or not, nor should it be based on the offender asking for it or feeling sorry about what they did. Forgiving is about the offended person's inner strength rather than the offender's. You shouldn't feel that forgiving a person makes you weaker, instead you should forgive so that you can begin to heal. I think that this example I read is very good: Forgiving is taking the arrows out of our gut rather than twisting them around in us.

We as humans react by the pain caused to us. We think that if we forgive somebody then we are condoning what they did to us.... Forgiving does NOT mean that you are giving up your power.

Just because you choose to forgive someone doesn't mean that you forget. When you forgive, you just release the negative feelings but you do remember what was done because it is a lesson learned. When lessons are learned, it helps us to be cautious in the present and leads to wisdom, experience, empathy, and compassion.

When you forgive somebody, please don't think that it makes the offender think his/her actions didn't hurt. You can still let the hurt be known and release hatred.

People think that without the anger, they will be vulnerable.... Holding on to anger won't make a person strong. "Without the anger and hatred, you will be able to identify with the hurts and heal."

....And no, forgiving someone does NOT make you look weak. Forgiving is actually a strength. To be able to forgive somebody after hurting you is very strong. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm going to write this one straight out the book: "If I give up resentment, I'll have to take responsibility for my own happiness. I'll have to change. True." You shouldn't depend fully on others for your happiness anyway.... that is solely your responsibility, others just add to it.

Forgiving does not mean the loss of purpose. Sacrificing revenge frees us to replace it with something more constructive and prosperous.

Don't think that you can make somebody pay for what they did and that will change them. When people acknowledge their wrongs and accept responsibility for their own actions... if they are mature, they will make that needed change on their own.

Forgiving doesn't mean reconciling or trusting. "Trust requires a belief in the other person's character and must be earned over time in order for a relationship to be rebuilt." If you never give that person a chance to earn it then you would never know that they are worthy of it. Some situations doesn't deserve to be rebuilt though. "Forgiveness can still occur without reconciling or trusting.

Some think that certain acts are unforgivable but always remember..."Forgiveness is entirely about the internal state of the offended, not the act itself.".... any act is forgivable, believe it or not!

Dropping a grudge does not mean that you are being disloyal to others... "There are better ways of showing loyalty than by hating."

"Keep in mind that offenders are human, weak, in pain, not in their right mind, and/or ignorant. They are already suffering for this, and life will continue to punish them for their imperfections." Don't try to fix them yourself!

Last but not least... Revenge will NOT restore your peace. "Getting even does not replace what is lost. It only brings the avenger down to the offender's level and makes him or her feel as bad and inhumane."


Ok.... thank you for reading... if you are having problems with forgiving, it may do you well to take this seriously because no matter how much we say that we don't care.... deep down, we really do!!!... If you need any more help with this, feel free to contact me!!!